What are the most meaningful Jewish jokes that reveal insights about Jewish culture?
07.06.2025 10:48
"Each call is $5,000," is the answer. That's too much for the tourist and he leaves.
So Sheila Sugarman's mother comes to the inauguration. She finds herself on the reviewing stand, between a Senator and a Supreme Court judge. As her daughter starts to take the oath of office she leans over to the Senator and whispers "Do you see that woman up there? That woman taking the oath of office of the president of the United States?"
"What synagogue did you join?" asks the lead rabbi.
The old man says "Before I go on, I have to tell you: my dog can talk."
The mother snaps “You march back there this instant and tell them you want a speaking part!”
Sheila Sugarman says "Ma, I'm sending Air Force One down to pick you up. Now stop arguing, you're coming to my inauguration."
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An old man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I'm having trouble peeing."
"Now I'm folding over the last corner..."
The agent says, "So what do you do with the drippings from the Sabbath candles?"
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"Woman on top, woman on bottom, doesn't matter, have all the sex you want!"
"Yes momma."
The doctor says, "You've peed enough.
Why does it matter so much to atheists that God doesn't exist?
Again half the people leave and Bernstein thinks, "Manage a hundred people, I can barely manage to tie my shoes in the morning. Oh well, I'll stick around, what's the worst that could happen?"
A priest in Rome looks out the front door of his church and sees two beggars sitting on the curb. One of them is wearing a big cross around his neck and the other, a few feet away, a huge Star of David. All the passersby pointedly ignore the Jewish beggar and give their money to the Christian one. Finally the priest can stand it no longer. He goes out to the Jewish beggar and says "My son, you are in the capital of Christendom. No one is going to give you money when a Christian beggar is sitting a few feet away."
The judge says, "Why are you changing it again?"
Why are most girls not open to the idea of anal sex?
The rabbi says "I see... so, this bitch giving you a hard time?"
So it goes until there are only a few people left in the room and Bill Gates says, "Finally, our candidate must be fluent in Serbo-Croatian. If you are not a fluent Serbo-Croatian speaker, please leave now." Everyone leaves but Bernstein and one other guy. Bill Gates walks up to them and says, "So you're both fluent in Serbo-Croatian? Let's hear a conversation in Serbo-Croatian."
"Yes, momma."
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"How about standing up?"
A woman has a problem. She owns two female parrots, and every time someone walks into the room they say in unison, "Hi! We're hookers. Wanna have some fun?" It's very embarrassing, so she goes to speak to her rabbi.
An elderly Jew gets hit by a car in a crosswalk. The EMTs show up and strap him onto a gurney. “Are you comfortable?” one of them asks.
What melts your heart every time without fail?
The agent says, "Very good! Now, what do you do with the crumbs from the Passover matzoh?"
Sheila Sugarman gets elected the first female Jewish president of the United States. She calls her mother and says "Ma, I want you to come to my inauguration."
The guy says, "Well, I own a little shop on West 34th Street. Customers come in and they ask my name. I tell them, and then they say, 'Yes, but what was it before?'"
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Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
What does a JAP say when she drops a priceless Ming vase? “It's OK, don't worry, I'm fine.”
Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But, first, a little nosh.
Have you worn a tight black mini skirt?
[This joke isn't strictly Jewish. Yet somehow, it is.]
Morris goes to his friend Irving and says, "I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"
An old guy walks into a synagogue, walks up to the woman at the reception desk and says, "I want to join your goddam synagogue."
Why don't people like Nickelback?
Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, peace. With the fourth, a Danish.
A young Orthodox couple is meeting with the rabbi just prior to the wedding. The groom says "Rabbi, I know dancing is not permitted between men and women in Orthodox Judaism, but this is the 21st century. Don't you think it would be alright for me to dance with my bride at our wedding.?"
"Twenty-five cents!" exclaims the tourist. "But in Rome it was $5,000!"
How can you tell a JAP is having an orgasm? She drops her nail file.
"How about woman on top?"
Sheila Sugarman's mother says "But it's such a long drive from Boca..."
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"Absolutely not!" thunders the rabbi. "Dancing between men and women is strictly forbidden! Don't even ask such a thing. Now, is there anything else?"
Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
The groom says "Well actually, I have some questions about sex."
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The farmer says, "Why yes, my cow IS from Minsk. How did you know?"
"How much is it?" the tourist asks and is told, "Twenty-five cents."
"How about doggie style?"
"Why not?" asks the groom.
The madam says, “A new hooker just started here and she's very sophisticated. If anyone knows Jewish style, she will.” They go upstairs to one of the rooms and knock on the door. The hooker opens the door and the madam says, “This gentleman would like it Jewish style. Do you know Jewish style?”
There was once a little Jewish boy who had an unnatural fear of kreplach. His mother was concerned so she went to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said, "Next time you make kreplach, have him sit down and watch you. When he sees how good all the ingredients are, he will no longer be afraid of kreplach." So the woman goes home, calls her son over and says, "Sidney, I'm making dinner and I want you to watch me. So you see, I've cooked this meat and vegetables and I'm chopping them up. Are you all right Sidney?"
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"And now I'm rolling out the dough, the same dough I use to make the bread you love. Are you OK, Sidney?"
"Yes, Mrs. Sugarman," the Senator whispers back.
The psychiatrist says, "You call that a breakfast?"
The woman's not so sure, but she brings her parrots over to the rabbi's house. She carries their cage into the room with the two male parrots, which are wearing parrot-sized prayer shawls, little yarmulkes, are holding tiny prayer books and are praying and davening furiously. The two female parrots say in unison, "Hi! We're hookers. Wanna have some fun?"
To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
The woman says “Sir, this is a house of worship. We don't use that kind of language here!"
The rabbi sighs and says, "My wife is from Minsk."
Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
“I’m so thirsty,” says the Englishman. “I must have tea.”
“I’m so thirsty,” says the German. “I must have beer.”
A priest and a rabbi are talking and the priest says, "Tell me honestly, Rabbi, have you ever eaten ham?"
The priest turns REALLY red and says, "Yes, I have to admit, once in seminary I had sex with a woman, just to see what it was like."
"Yes, momma."
A Jew dies and since he was a sinner in life, he is sent to hell. “Just go through that corridor to the elevator and press the lowest button,” says the angel of death.
The rabbi turns red and says, "Yes, I have to admit, once at yeshiva I tried a ham sandwich. Now tell me, Father, have you ever had sex with a woman?"
The old guy says "There's no goddam problem. I just won 300 million goddam dollars in the goddam lottery and I want to join your goddam synagogue."
The rabbi says, "We collect them, put them in a box, when it's full we send them back to the candle factory and they send us a case of candles."
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “oy.”
The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
A tourist is in Rome when he notices a gold telephone sitting on a marble pedestal on a street corner. He stops a passerby and asks what it is. "That is a direct line to heaven," is the answer. "You can call God from there."
"Beth Shalom," is his reply.
“Is this Jewish hell?” the guys asks the tractor driver. “It looks fantastic.”
An old woman and her grandson are walking down the beach when a huge wave rolls in and when it recedes, the boy is gone. "God! Oh God! What have you done? Please, I beg of you, bring back my grandson! Please, he's my pride and joy, how can I live without him? Please God!" Another huge wave rolls in and when it's gone there's the little boy, good as new.
Mahoney thinks, "What have I got to lose?" He finds a synagogue near his home, studies for a year, converts to Judaism, joins the synagogue, regularly attends services, and leads a holy life. About three months later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, and 71. He says to them, "OK, I converted, joined a synagogue, live a religious life, and I still shoot a 104. What's the deal?"
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
The rabbi says, "We had that problem too. We had a meeting of the trustees, voted to make the squirrels full members of the congregation, and now we only see them on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur."
What's the difference between a JAP and barracuda? Barracuda don't wear nail polish.
Sheila Sugarman's mother says "But I have nothing to wear,..."
An old man brings his elderly dog to the vet. The vet asks "What seems to be the problem?"
The man goes back to reading so she tries one more time: "Do you like pussycats?" At this he leaps up, rips her clothes off and ravishes her repeatedly. Afterwards they're lying on the blanket together. She sighs and says, "How did you know I wanted you to do that?" and he answers, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Bernstein hears that Microsoft is hiring so he goes down to Microsoft headquarters and finds himself in a huge auditorium with about a thousand other candidates. Bill Gates comes out on stage and says, "We are hiring one, just one, person to run our new Eastern Europe operations center. We have very specific requirements. First of all, you need to be expert in PL SQL. If you are not highly proficient in PL SQL, please leave now."
A priest and a rabbi are driving in opposite directions down a lonely country road and get into a terrible accident. Amazingly, neither is hurt. The rabbi says to the priest "It's a miracle! God must have wanted us to meet and be friends."
The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a German, and a Jew go hiking. They get lost and run out of water.
The lead Rabbi says, "When you lead a religious life, join and attend the right synagogue, you are rewarded."
The guy says, “THAT’S Jewish style!”
About half the people leave. Bernstein thinks to himself, "Pea ell sequel, what's that? Oh well, I'll stick around, what's the worst that could happen?"
The minister says, "We tried something similar. We bought humane traps, captured the squirrels, and released them 20 miles from church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back."
He shrugs and says, “I make a living.”
After a few minutes the woman tries again: "Are you married?" He answers, "My wife died two years ago." She says, "Oh, I'm sorry. My husband died three years ago. I miss him so."
Again about half the people leave and again Bernstein thinks to himself, "Java? I like a good cup of coffee, but what's he talking about? Oh well, I'll stick around, what's the worst that could happen?"
The woman says "Excuse me, I'm going to find the rabbi."
The rabbi smiles broadly and says, "It's a lot better than ham, isn't it?"
"Might lead to dancing."
“I’m so thirsty,” says the Jew. “I must have diabetes.”
A synagogue is looking for a new rabbi. They contact the head of the steering committee of one candidate's last congregation for a recommendation and are told, "Our former rabbi can be compared to Moses, to Abraham Lincoln, and to God." So they hire him and he's just awful. The head of the new synagogue's committee contacts the old one and asks how it is possible they could give such an terrible rabbi such a glowing recommendation. The other synagogue responds, "We said our former rabbi could be compared to Moses, to Abraham Lincoln, and to God. Like Moses, he speaks no English. Like Lincoln, he speaks no Hebrew. And like God, he positively isn't human!"
Bill Gates says, "The successful candidate must have at least ten years experience managing groups of 100 people or more. If you don't have that kind of management experience, please leave."
His friend says "Well? Did you get the money?" and the first one says "Is that all you people think about?"
Hoo boy, you asked for it. Next time ask me for gentile jokes. Some of the jokes don’t specify the protagonists are Jewish, but take my word for it, they’re Jewish.
"Now I'm folding over the second corner. Everything all right, Sidney?"
The dog says "What am I, your slave? I should drop everything and do what you say at the drop of a hat? And me with my bad back and my sciatica. Should I drop dead of a heart attack? Would that make you happy?"
A Jewish guy goes to court and legally changes his name to O'Reilly. Six months later he's back in court, before the same judge, this time changing his name to Smith. The judge says, "Wait a minute, I remember you. Weren't you here a few months ago changing your name?"
The agent says, "Excellent! Now, what do you do with the foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Absolutely not!" thunders the rabbi. "No sex standing up!"
The Torah says,,”Love thy neighbor as thyself.” The Buddha says there is no “self.” So, maybe you are off the hook.
The old man says "Isn't it obvious? He's going deaf. I told him to 'fetch,' not to 'kvetch.'"
"Doesn't matter how you do it, have lots of sex!"
The rabbi says, "Tell me, by any chance is your cow from Minsk?"
"Ah," comes the answer, "but here it's a local call."
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
He says, “I play the Jewish father.”
Bill Gates now says, "Our candidate must be equally fluent in JAVA. If you are not expert in JAVA, please leave now."
"Yes, momma."
Four Jewish American Princess (JAP) jokes:
Three very pious, bearded Jews dressed in long black coats and wide-brimmed hats are playing golf. A guy named Mahoney wants to play golf so he joins their threesome. He plays 18 holes and his score is 104. The rabbis shoot 69, 70 and 72 respectively. He says to the rabbis, "How come you guys shoot such good golf?"
The rabbi says, "We collect them, put them in a box, when it's full we send them back to the matzoh factory and they send us a case of matzoh."
The rabbi says, "We collect them, put them in a box, when it's full we send them to the IRS and they send us back a a little prick like you."
A few weeks later he's in Jerusalem and again sees a gold telephone on a marble pedestal on a street corner. He stops a passerby and says, "Is that what I think it is?"
"Now I'm putting the chopped up meat and vegetables in the middle of the dough. Is everything all right, Sidney?"
The priest says "You're right rabbi, that's the only possible explanation."
"How about wearing scuba gear with a bucket of goose grease?"
Bernstein turns to the other guy and confidently says, "Baruch atah adonai," and without missing a beat the other guy answers, "Elohenu melech ha'olom."
The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
She tells the rabbi what's going on and the rabbi comes out and asks "Is there some sort of problem?"
The rabbi says, "No problem! I happen to own two male parrots and I've taught them to pray. In fact, they're very religious! Bring your female parrots over to my house and the example of my male parrots will show them the error of their ways."
The doctor asks, "How old are you?"
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
A Jewish woman of a certain age is on a secluded stretch of beach in Florida when a handsome older gentleman comes along, unfolds his towel near her, and starts to read a book. Eager to make conversation, she asks, "Is that a good book?" and he answers, "Oh yes, excellent" and goes back to reading.
"Yes, momma."
The priest says "After an accident like that I could use a good stiff drink." He takes a pull off the bottle, hands it to the rabbi and says "Now you drink to our friendship, rabbi."
A farmer back in the old country buys a new cow but is having trouble breeding it. He goes to see his rabbi and says, "When I bring the bull in from the left, she moves to the right. When I bring the bull in from the right, she moves to the left. And when I bring the bull in from the rear, she moves forward."
The vet says "That's amazing, but I don't see what the problem is."
The IRS sends a smug young agent to audit an elderly rabbi. The agent decides to mess with the rabbi a little and asks, "So rabbi, you're doing everything you can to save money?"
One of the male parrots turns to the other one and says, "Put down the book, Moishe. Our prayers have been answered!"
The woman says "I beg your pardon?"
A guy goes to see his psychiatrist. He says, "Sorry I'm late, doc, but I was having a really interesting dream. I dreamed I was talking to you and all of a sudden you turned into my mother. Then I woke up, realized how late it was, grabbed a Coke and a donut for breakfast and ran over here."
A priest, a rabbi and a minister are sitting around talking and it comes up that they all have the same problem: squirrels in the attic. The priest says, "When we realized what the problem was we hired an exterminator, sealed up all the entrances, and fumigated the building. Nevertheless, two weeks later the squirrels were back."
“Hell?” the tractor driver says. “I guess so. You should have seen the place seventy years ago.”
"Now I'm folding over the first corner. Are you good, Sidney?"
The Jewish beggar turns to the Christian one and says "Hey Manny, this priest wants to give the Bernstein Brothers advice on marketing!"
The rabbi says "Look, another miracle! I had a bottle of Manischewitz wine in the back seat and it isn't even cracked. Let's drink to our new friendship."
The grandmother cries and hugs and kisses him, brushes him off, then looks up at the sky and says reproachfully "He was wearing a hat."
The rabbi says "No... I think I'll wait until after the police arrive."
How many JAPs does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to open the Diet Cokes, one to call Daddy.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.
A guy walks into a brothel, waves around a thick wad of cash, and announces, “Price is no object but it's got to be Jewish style!” All the girls look at each other and say, “Jewish style? What's that? I never heard of Jewish style.” The guy repeats, “Price is no object but it's got to be Jewish style!”
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
Irving is not very fond of the idea but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees. After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. After some time the Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks Irving what he is really up to.
So he goes into the elevator and presses the lowest button, which says “Jewish Hell.” The elevator starts to descend. He hears screams from all of the floors as he passes, the smell of sulfur, and smoke fills the elevator through the door slits. Finally, the elevator gets to the lowest floor. The door opens, and he steps out into a lush green field of crops under irrigation. The sky is blue and sunny and far on the horizon there’s a modern city with tall white skyscrapers. A kibbutznik on a tractor drives by.
Two Jews are walking past a church when they see a sign: "Convert and get a thousand dollars." One of the Jews says, "I'm gonna check it out." He goes into the church and comes out about two hours later.
The old man says, "87."
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
"Doggie style, froggie style, sex is a mitzvah, have plenty of sex!"
The hooker says, “Sure I know Jewish style. I know every style there is. Come in in.” She shuts the door and says, ‘Sir, I have to be honest with you. I don't know Jewish style but I have a reputation to protect. Under the circumstances I’ll let you have it for free.”
The Rabbi retorts, "Schmuck! 'Beth Shalom' is for tennis!"
"Amazing," the tourist says. "How much does it cost?"
The rabbi says, "Absolutely."
To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
"Yep, it's a direct line to heaven."
The guy says, "Yes, your honor."
ZEN JUDAISM
"Her brother's a doctor."
The guy says "You heard me, I want to join your goddam synagogue."
"Sex?" beams the rabbi. "Sex is good! Have all the sex you want, make lots of Jewish babies!"
Sheila Sugarman says "Ma, I'm hiring the world's top designer to make you an inauguration gown."
Did you hear about the new Jewish mother doll? You pull the string and it says, “Again with the string?”
The guys says "I don't care what kind of goddam language you use, I want to join your goddam synagogue."
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
The vet says "Seriously?" and the old mans says "Sure, watch this. Bernie: fetch!"
"OY! KREPLACH! KREPLACH! KREPLACH!"
“I’m so thirsty,” says the Frenchman. “I must have wine.”
A little Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he got a part in the school play. “That's wonderful, darling,” she says. “Who do you play?”